…”Peacoat” not what name suggests…
…Lindbergh baby missing…
…4-8-15-16- … eh, Lost sucks…
…Study finds that 9 out of 10 studies are for nerds…
…Waldo found… Nope, not him…
…I fucking hate this job… Also, Brian is an asshole…
…Medieval Times to get modern update…
…World Awaits Next Carrot Top Prop…
…Quiz: Do You Have A Savior Complex Or Are You Just Jesus?…
…10 Out Of 10 Car Salesmen Agree, You Need A New Car…
…Colonel Sanders Found to Have Never Served in the Military…
…All the news that isn’t really news…
Cigarettes linked to cancer!
…BitCoins Revealed To Be Pogs All Along…
…Quiz: Which 90s Murderer Are You?…
…AMBER ALERT: Tiffany Amber Thiessen…
…AMBER ALERT: Spoon; Last seen running away with a Dish…
…Mannequins found in store window…
…Christmas Scheduled to Happen Again This Year…
…San Francisco and Oakland make up; will become one city…
…Forever 21 Turns 34 this year…
…Woman Credits Bikini Bod to “Thousands of Tiny Stomach Worms…
…BREAKING NEWS: New Yorkers shocked to learn Staten Island isn’t part of New Jersey…
…Camcorder found in uncle bob’s basement, police investigate…
…Scientists find that Vaping is dope AF…
…The Academy Awards ‘In Memoriam’ Forgets To Mention Macaulay Culkin For The Third Year In A Row…
…Dog’s Feet Smell Like Vacuum Cleaner Bag…
…Ophthalmologist: Glasses Are Sexy…
…God found dead in space…
…Trump revealed to actually be doing the Harlem Shake for the past 18 months…
…Waldo still missing…
…Hats are cool…
…Forks and outlets: you decide…
…“Specialist” not a real designation…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Africa Is Not A Country…
…15 found dead in Warner Bros. Water Tower, at the Warner Movie lot…
…Local Mom Still Talking About Tupperware…
…Entertainment personality ahead in the polls…
…Thoughts and prayers found to be cancerous…
…Cancer and Death to marry… cigarettes devastated…
…AMBER ALERT: Amber Tamblyn…
…BREAKING: Grandmother Not Actually As Proud Of You As She Says…
…2019 NHL Season Put On Ice…
…For sale: baby shoes, never worn…
…Roast Beef: Lunch Meat or Middle Toe? Little Piggies Respond…
…Four turtles and a rat found dead of toxic poisoning…
Cancer linked to death!
…Tropic of Cancer sues Caribbean Medical Board for copyright infringement…
…Quiz: Does He Know You’re Illiterate? …

I Went to a World-Famous Korean Spa, and I Don’t Think I’m Ever Coming Home

Nestled in a secluded valley, surrounded by mountains, the exclusive spa is known as Kalliso 22 is one rarely seen by western eyes, due to the long, difficult journey to get there and the exclusive nature of the clientele – you usually have to be someone’s relative in order to gain admission. But I have become one of the lucky few, through a process I barely understand even now. One moment, I was laughing at a particularly hilarious photo of a fat man in a funny uniform; the next, no doubt inspired by my evident anti-obesity sentiments, I was being escorted to what I’m told is Korea’s premier weight-loss spa.

Korean spas can be an unnerving experience for those unfamiliar: yes, co-ed nudity is a thing, and at Kalliso 22, you may even find high-pressure cold-water cannons trained upon your nether regions. This, no doubt, is a fertility treatment, and makes you feel especially virile! Afterward, you re-dress in hand-sewn pajamas made from locally sourced artisan cloth, and shoes sculpted from organic, indigenous rubber. It gets you out of your conventional headspace in a hurry; the first step towards forgetting all you think you know about healing from a western perspective.

Treatment begins with some vigorous exercise, as specially handcrafted removal tools are given to you for the extraction of natural minerals found deep underground. The cardiovascular-intensive routine includes a lot of bending down and reaching up, while the carrying of the mineral supplements helps you to firm up muscle tone in your arms. Once you’ve been pushed to your limits by this process, wind down with some natural gravity reversal, as you hang from your ankles – bound in a proprietary blend of gluten-free fibers – atop a scented flame.

One of the very best aspects of Korean spas is the yummy ethnic eats that come with the treatment, and this experience in the Northern provinces was no exception, as pesticide-free cabbage leaves and non-GMO cornmeal were combined in a light, low-caloric broth referred to by the locals as Thinh Gru-EL. Its ability to melt one’s fat away are easily attested to by the many, many attendees whose ribs are so visible you can count them!

I’ve been here at least seven days already and the staff are extremely encouraging; every time I even suggest going back home, they tell me no, my treatment is not yet finished. I’ve tried to call my mother, but in the interest of eliminating all outside distractions, telephones and the internet are not allowed here. Honestly, I’m not even sure what day it is anymore, but I notice I am losing weight fast. I just hope there’s a hair salon I haven’t been privy to yet, as I have unfortunately noticed a little thinning. Some good conditioner ought to clear that right up.

People tell me no-one ever leaves, but I’m sure that’s an exaggeration. It would just be bad business to keep your loyal customers on a starvation diet forever. When do I get a cheat day? What’s that? I said “cheat day.” No, no, I didn’t mean I cheated! It’s a figure of speeeeee….

Luke Y. Thompson
Luke Y. Thompson

Author - Smark

Luke Y. Thompson is a writer currently pursuing a PhD in the Nomics of Thugg. He also wears clothes. Mostly.

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