…AMBER ALERT: Amber Tamblyn…
…Woman Credits Bikini Bod to “Thousands of Tiny Stomach Worms…
…2019 NHL Season Put On Ice…
…Hats are cool…
…All the news that isn’t really news…
…AMBER ALERT: Spoon; Last seen running away with a Dish…
…God found dead in space…
…For sale: baby shoes, never worn…
…Quiz: Do You Have A Savior Complex Or Are You Just Jesus?…
…Quiz: Which 90s Murderer Are You?…
…Mannequins found in store window…
…Waldo found… Nope, not him…
…I fucking hate this job… Also, Brian is an asshole…
…Study finds that 9 out of 10 studies are for nerds…
…Entertainment personality ahead in the polls…
…Roast Beef: Lunch Meat or Middle Toe? Little Piggies Respond…
…Cancer and Death to marry… cigarettes devastated…
…BREAKING: Grandmother Not Actually As Proud Of You As She Says…
…BitCoins Revealed To Be Pogs All Along…
…“Specialist” not a real designation…
…Local Mom Still Talking About Tupperware…
…Four turtles and a rat found dead of toxic poisoning…
…Trump revealed to actually be doing the Harlem Shake for the past 18 months…
…World Awaits Next Carrot Top Prop…
…BREAKING NEWS: New Yorkers shocked to learn Staten Island isn’t part of New Jersey…
…Colonel Sanders Found to Have Never Served in the Military…
…15 found dead in Warner Bros. Water Tower, at the Warner Movie lot…
Cigarettes linked to cancer!
…10 Out Of 10 Car Salesmen Agree, You Need A New Car…
…Dog’s Feet Smell Like Vacuum Cleaner Bag…
…Forks and outlets: you decide…
…AMBER ALERT: Tiffany Amber Thiessen…
…The Academy Awards ‘In Memoriam’ Forgets To Mention Macaulay Culkin For The Third Year In A Row…
…”Peacoat” not what name suggests…
…San Francisco and Oakland make up; will become one city…
…Quiz: Does He Know You’re Illiterate? …
…Christmas Scheduled to Happen Again This Year…
…Medieval Times to get modern update…
…Thoughts and prayers found to be cancerous…
Cancer linked to death!
…Forever 21 Turns 34 this year…
…4-8-15-16- … eh, Lost sucks…
…Scientists find that Vaping is dope AF…
…Lindbergh baby missing…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Africa Is Not A Country…
…Camcorder found in uncle bob’s basement, police investigate…
…Tropic of Cancer sues Caribbean Medical Board for copyright infringement…
…Ophthalmologist: Glasses Are Sexy…
…Waldo still missing…

Two Days in Southeast Portland: A Bunny Ears Travel Guide

Insider tip: Portland’s hottest neighborhood sits at the foot of a volcano. Known for its supply-and-demand-defying concentration of pour-over coffee shops (not to mention an over-saturated body ink scene!), the South Tabor community affords visitors decent eats and some seriously earthy nightlife options. One day is too short a time to embrace it, but two is exactly how long you need in this corner of a city particularly amenable to late-risers.

Where to stay: DM me.

The traditional hospitality industry has given the part of town a wide berth, but if you’re looking for a fully immersive South Tabor experience, I’ve got a lead on an unlisted Airbnb. (For our purposes, this will always be our starting point on the itinerary.) Amenities include neo-vintage Swedish modern furniture and Roku.

Day 1

Portland is one of just four American cities that can boast an urban volcano. Ivory tower naysayers have downgraded Mt. Tabor “dormant,” and even in her heyday, this feisty hill only ever erupted into a slow-moving lava crawl. But what she lacks in fire she makes up for in hiking and outdoor recreation opportunities, with countless miles of hiking trails.

Via Jeff Alworth

If sizzle is truly what you crave, redirect your hiking sticks back to the pavement for a scenic 1.7-mile trek westward. Destination: The iconic Reel M Inn Tavern, where old friends and new gather to sip away the 45-minute minimum wait for a basket of the watering hole’s famed fried chicken and jojos. Bonus: the smoky interior is all an ambient illusion, meaning you can quaff the grease clouds without obstacle.

Movie buffs who want to make their journey more cinematic should start first at North Bar (0.2 miles), the real-life headquarters of the Nightmare on Division Street horror franchise. If you haven’t caught up on this seven-part (and counting!) sleeper hit, written and directed by North Bar’s proud owner, you must! Prefer the studio system? Consider taking a slight detour to the historic Bagdad Theater & Pub (1.4 miles). Not only did this profoundly haunted cinema host the premiere of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, but they pipe movie audio into the bathroom speakers so you can relieve yourself without missing a beat! (A note to the ladies: Don’t linger in there too long; the women’s toilet is where most supernatural activity has been detected.)

 

Portland Travel Guide Porn Theater
Via Todd Mecklem

But back to the bird: 1.1 miles into your westerly walkabout, give a quick glance to your left to spot Oregon Theatre, an unassuming 92-year-old venue that long ago shed its marquee and became a screening space for adult cinema. Admire one of the last dusty holdouts against neighborhood gentrification, and reflect on Travis Bickle’s ill-fated attempts to woo Betsy. Do it briskly. Do not go inside.

Day 2

In addition to the tantalizing promise of geological unrest, Mt. Tabor offers up nearly 200 acres of park lands where you can laugh, love, and luxuriate — not to mention star-gaze.

Via Walklandia

But if celestial run-ins are really what you’re after, your best bet is the two leading ladies of lower Hawthorne Boulevard: Bar of the Gods and Space Room (0.8 miles). They’re two separate drinking establishments, both blessedly untouched by any kind of bar rescue campaign. Name your ambrosia: imbibe an El Diablo at Bar of the Gods as you laugh at how we are all but playthings at the whim of the immortals, or indulge in some video poker at Space Room and be amazed that everything in the bar is as it was when Laika was launched into her ill-fated orbit, brave and unprotected.

Then toast yourself for not going inside Oregon Theatre.

Need to sober up before the Amtrak, Bolt Bus, or Greyhound home? Mt. Tabor’s reservoirs are placid and calming, and until recently provided drinking water for much of the city’s population. The temptation to destroy such a nice thing proved too strong for the occasional full-bladdered local, however, and now the reservoirs are largely ornamental. But they’re hardly forgotten, and lapping them reminds one of the restorative walks in Bath’s Royal Crescent that Jane Austen described. But if you happen to dislike dogs, specifically Labradoodles and Boston terriers, you can reset the texture of your day by dropping into Zach’s Shack (0.01 miles), where you can find vodka-soaked gelatin (like so many prehistoric mosquitoes embedded in amber!) — at only $1 a shot.

Saundra Sorenson
Saundra Sorenson

Author - Possible Ghost

Saundra Sorenson is a journalist and comedy writer who was once called "Portland's Kathleen Turner" when she had a cold. She spent the past two years at Cracked as writer and editor for the Personal Experience team, proving that internet comedy and the fourth estate are not mutually exclusive. Before that, she was an old-school newspaper reporter who liked to haunt local comedy open mic nights. Also haunts: free museum days throughout L.A. County; wetland preserves with her talkative, barrel-chested dog Willey (they don't always solve supernatural mysteries along the way, but that's not to say never); and your dreams, but only to help you decipher them.

No Comments Yet

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.