…Ophthalmologist: Glasses Are Sexy…
…Colonel Sanders Found to Have Never Served in the Military…
…San Francisco and Oakland make up; will become one city…
…Medieval Times to get modern update…
…Entertainment personality ahead in the polls…
…For sale: baby shoes, never worn…
…BREAKING: Grandmother Not Actually As Proud Of You As She Says…
…World Awaits Next Carrot Top Prop…
…Local Mom Still Talking About Tupperware…
…Four turtles and a rat found dead of toxic poisoning…
…Woman Credits Bikini Bod to “Thousands of Tiny Stomach Worms…
…Lindbergh baby missing…
…Scientists find that Vaping is dope AF…
…10 Out Of 10 Car Salesmen Agree, You Need A New Car…
…AMBER ALERT: Tiffany Amber Thiessen…
…Tropic of Cancer sues Caribbean Medical Board for copyright infringement…
…”Peacoat” not what name suggests…
…Christmas Scheduled to Happen Again This Year…
…Waldo still missing…
…Study finds that 9 out of 10 studies are for nerds…
…Dog’s Feet Smell Like Vacuum Cleaner Bag…
…I fucking hate this job… Also, Brian is an asshole…
…Cancer and Death to marry… cigarettes devastated…
…4-8-15-16- … eh, Lost sucks…
…Mannequins found in store window…
…BREAKING NEWS: New Yorkers shocked to learn Staten Island isn’t part of New Jersey…
…Quiz: Does He Know You’re Illiterate? …
…Quiz: Do You Have A Savior Complex Or Are You Just Jesus?…
…The Academy Awards ‘In Memoriam’ Forgets To Mention Macaulay Culkin For The Third Year In A Row…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Africa Is Not A Country…
…15 found dead in Warner Bros. Water Tower, at the Warner Movie lot…
…Roast Beef: Lunch Meat or Middle Toe? Little Piggies Respond…
…2019 NHL Season Put On Ice…
Cancer linked to death!
…BitCoins Revealed To Be Pogs All Along…
…AMBER ALERT: Spoon; Last seen running away with a Dish…
…All the news that isn’t really news…
…AMBER ALERT: Amber Tamblyn…
…Forks and outlets: you decide…
…Camcorder found in uncle bob’s basement, police investigate…
…Thoughts and prayers found to be cancerous…
…Waldo found… Nope, not him…
…Trump revealed to actually be doing the Harlem Shake for the past 18 months…
…“Specialist” not a real designation…
…Hats are cool…
…God found dead in space…
Cigarettes linked to cancer!
…Forever 21 Turns 34 this year…
…Quiz: Which 90s Murderer Are You?…

My Superfood Diet Has Made Me Immeasurably Powerful, And I’m Not Ready For The Responsibility

It started harmlessly enough. I’d gained a bit of winter weight, and I decided to kick my diet up a notch in the hopes of getting my abs back before #beachseason. I decided I’d cut out sugars, cut down on carbs. More leafy greens, more protein, more exercise. It was simple stuff. At first.

As I get older, it seems like my metabolism slows by the day, and I just wasn’t getting the quick results I craved. I turned to blogs and health magazines, following the latest trends. I updated my work out regimen accordingly; anaerobic exercise, bicycle crunches, high-intensity intervals, etc. My diet, though… I was just trying to keep up.

You know how it is: One-week coconut oil is the one true panacea of health and wellness, the next week it’s full of saturated fats and cholesterol. At 7am, all the blogs are raving about cinnamon and yogurt, but by sundown, experts agree that cinnamon destroys your liver and can alter your pheromones making you more enticing to wild predators. A nutrient-rich superfood with a wealth of antioxidants might help target stubborn belly fat, or it might kill your family while you sleep. The point is: these remedies are wholly unpredictable.

Planning my meals became a full-time job.

The more difficult following their advice became, the more I persevered. Checking the latest news and preparing my meals and eating habits accordingly became more than a diet. It was a game, a hobby, and finally… An obsession. Every day, a new fitness tip would contradict another, but still, I persevered. Planning my meals became a full-time job. I isolated myself, pushing away all of the people who were closest to me. When I had hit rock bottom, when I was on the verge of giving up, of taking a cheat day, I finally saw it.

There was a pattern. No, that’s not quite it. An algorithm. A code. At first, I thought I was going crazy, but I tested it. I’d start writing down my predictions, a few days in advance. Then, a few weeks. I knew when Paleo would be out and when DASH would be in. I could accurately predict when certain foods would be good or bad for you. I no longer needed the blogs; I was ahead of them at every step. That’s when I started to notice the changes.

Daydreams, hallucinations, I don’t know what to call them.

I was losing weight and gaining muscle faster than I ever had before. Within a month, I’d gained at least equal strength, speed, and agility to Captain America. I was thrilled with my sexy six-pack abs, but the changes didn’t stop there. I found that I saw things. What had begun as charts, data, articles espousing the multiple values of kale became something darker. Daydreams, hallucinations, I don’t know what to call them. Visions of people hurting each other, destroying the planet, hurting themselves.

I’ve become clairvoyant. I can see bad things before they happen, and I believe I’ve got the physical ability to prevent them, and that is not why I started this diet. Don’t get me wrong, I do help, sometimes. When I see someone buying produce that wasn’t locally sourced and organic, I swat it out of their hands. I remind everyone around me to hydrate, and to use almond butter instead of peanut. I know I’m doing the right thing, even if they can’t appreciate it. But I still can’t help feeling like I have a moral responsibility to stop crimes before they happen.

Is it right to change the future? What about taking the law into your own hands? Would superfood-enhanced vigilante justice only embolden a new breed of super-criminals? There are some questions that even omega-3 fatty acids can’t help me answer…

Elijah Taylor
Elijah Taylor

Author - Orphan - Skeleton

Elijah Taylor is a scrappy orphan who uses humor as a coping mechanism. He is available for publications or events as a freelance writer, fighter, or Muppet.

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