Being an internationally famous celebrity certainly has its perks – you never have to pay for alcohol, you always get put on the Jumbotron at any sporting event you attend, and your first murder is free. But the common folk gnashing their teeth with envy at this elite lifestyle always overlook the many inconveniences being ultra-famous affords. Indeed, there are moments, as often as twice a week, where we figures of cultural royalty wish to experience life as an ordinary person, and at no other time is this felt more strongly than when we have to shop for groceries. Supermarkets are a strange and terrifying place, where the very, very famous are expected to do complicated mathematical equations just to make sure the cashier isn’t trying to cheat them out of their considerable wealth. Who can realistically be expected to keep track of more than four or five numbers at a time? Especially while enduring gawking stares of idolatry from their fellow shoppers?
That’s why we’ve thrown together this helpful guide. Here you will find all the tips you need to navigate your next grocery trip successfully (please note this guide is operating on the presupposition that your errand boy is too ill/fired/dead to do your shopping for you).
Wait Outside and Purchase Someone Else’s Groceries
Wrap your head in an appropriately concealing headscarf or Halloween mask and crouch beside the exit to Pavilions. (Possibly Whole Foods, but no other store is acceptable. If you are shopping at Ralph’s, please disregard this entire post, as you are not famous enough.) When you sense someone moving outside in your peripheral vision, spring out in front of them with a $100 bill in hand and offer to buy their groceries. You might need to bring an extra $100 bill just in case, but two $100 bills should be exactly enough to purchase any amount of food anywhere in America. If for some reason the double $100 bills aren’t enough to convince the shopper to part with their goods, reveal your identity and steal as many of their bags as you can carry. They will be too stunned to react, and later will be grateful for your actions, as they now have a story they can tell their children.
Use Yourself As A Decoy
Stand in the most visible area of the store, with your head wrapped in that scarf we discussed earlier, and announce that you’ve just seen yourself outside. When the store empties of patrons as they all run clawing and screaming over each other to catch a glimpse of you, you may remove your scarf and shop in peace.
Conceal Your Embarrassing Purchases With Normal Items
Part of being the hero of all the world’s nations is dealing with certain “ailments” that we would prefer to keep discreet. The easiest way to do this is to couch your somewhat embarrassing purchases in a shopping list so utterly ordinary that it will minimize any scrutiny. For instance, if you stepped out of your Prius in a hooded sweatshirt, eyes swollen from lack of sleep, and spidered up to the counter to purchase your Valtrex prescription, you would see celebrity gossip articles announcing your downward spiral going viral within the hour (no pun intended). However, if you stride gallantly into the store in business casual attire and pick up your Valtrex prescription along with a box of condoms and some bananas, people will think, “Well, the herpes must be under control if they’re buying so many condoms. And they wouldn’t be worrying about their banana situation if the outbreak was serious.” Your fellow shoppers might even come to the conclusion that the Valtrex is for someone else, and you’re merely picking it up for them because you were already on your way to the store, as your very normal shopping agenda suggests. This strategy also works for pregnancy tests and handgun ammunition.
Buy Your Groceries Online
It turns out you can buy pretty much anything on Amazon, and they’ll deliver it right to your door. You don’t even have to leave the house. However, this involves giving your address to a poor, so use this last tip with caution.