…For sale: baby shoes, never worn…
…Camcorder found in uncle bob’s basement, police investigate…
…Quiz: Does He Know You’re Illiterate? …
Cigarettes linked to cancer!
…Quiz: Do You Have A Savior Complex Or Are You Just Jesus?…
…Quiz: Which 90s Murderer Are You?…
…Scientists find that Vaping is dope AF…
…AMBER ALERT: Tiffany Amber Thiessen…
…Study finds that 9 out of 10 studies are for nerds…
…”Peacoat” not what name suggests…
…San Francisco and Oakland make up; will become one city…
…Forever 21 Turns 34 this year…
…Waldo found… Nope, not him…
…Lindbergh baby missing…
…BREAKING: Grandmother Not Actually As Proud Of You As She Says…
…Hats are cool…
…God found dead in space…
…All the news that isn’t really news…
…World Awaits Next Carrot Top Prop…
…Local Mom Still Talking About Tupperware…
…AMBER ALERT: Amber Tamblyn…
…Colonel Sanders Found to Have Never Served in the Military…
…Thoughts and prayers found to be cancerous…
Cancer linked to death!
…“Specialist” not a real designation…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Africa Is Not A Country…
…Dog’s Feet Smell Like Vacuum Cleaner Bag…
…Forks and outlets: you decide…
…Roast Beef: Lunch Meat or Middle Toe? Little Piggies Respond…
…10 Out Of 10 Car Salesmen Agree, You Need A New Car…
…Mannequins found in store window…
…Waldo still missing…
…Ophthalmologist: Glasses Are Sexy…
…Entertainment personality ahead in the polls…
…Four turtles and a rat found dead of toxic poisoning…
…Christmas Scheduled to Happen Again This Year…
…Tropic of Cancer sues Caribbean Medical Board for copyright infringement…
…BitCoins Revealed To Be Pogs All Along…
…I fucking hate this job… Also, Brian is an asshole…
…AMBER ALERT: Spoon; Last seen running away with a Dish…
…Trump revealed to actually be doing the Harlem Shake for the past 18 months…
…2019 NHL Season Put On Ice…
…Woman Credits Bikini Bod to “Thousands of Tiny Stomach Worms…
…Medieval Times to get modern update…
…4-8-15-16- … eh, Lost sucks…
…Cancer and Death to marry… cigarettes devastated…
…The Academy Awards ‘In Memoriam’ Forgets To Mention Macaulay Culkin For The Third Year In A Row…
…15 found dead in Warner Bros. Water Tower, at the Warner Movie lot…
…BREAKING NEWS: New Yorkers shocked to learn Staten Island isn’t part of New Jersey…

Self Care Tip: Throw Yourself A Birthday Every Day This Year

With so many things to keep track of, what with your travel Instagram account and hiring someone to maintain your travel Instagram account, it’s easy to neglect the most essential thing in your life – yourself. That’s right, you are the most precious gift you’ve ever received, and if you don’t take the time to reward yourself and sing the song of triumph that is you, who is going to do it? Certainly not your travel Instagram person. She only does Instagram. No, the only person who is going to take care of you is you.

Now, we know you’ve probably heard all about the importance of self-care from your therapist, but what advice do they give you beyond that? “Find a hobby.” “Maintain a schedule of planned activities.” “Remember to shower.” Quite frankly, all that stuff sounds boring as hell. Self-care shouldn’t be a list of routine maintenance checks, like the kind for which your driver is always asking reimbursement. Self-care should be a celebration, and what’s the best kind of celebration? That’s right – a birthday party.

“But my birthday has already come and gone!” you may be saying, or, “My birthday isn’t for months!” That’s the beauty of self-care. It doesn’t have to be for any other occasion than your continued happiness. And if you really think about it, every day is your birthday, because each new day marks the birth of the New You, your best self. With that in mind, why couldn’t you throw yourself a birthday party every single day this year? The only thing standing in your way is your own fear of living a life too glorious and self-actualized.

“Won’t that cost a lot of money?” you’re probably asking, and the answer is an emphatic yes. But no price is too high a cost to pay for self-care, and we’ve put together a helpful list of ways you can keep your birthdays fabulous but manageable:

  • Host the party in your own home at least three days out of the week, but no more than four. Renting out an expensive club, banquet hall, or amusement park is an absolute must, but it only needs to be done every other day to keep your birthdays from becoming rote.
  • Send your friends electronic invitations rather than print. This will save you both money and time, and your friends will appreciate your cleverness. Your Instagram person can help with this.
  • Set up one of those “birthday charities” on Facebook, with the proceeds going towards your next birthday.
  • Require your servants to learn magic tricks. Why hire a birthday clown when you can use your in-house staff?
  • Do cupcakes instead of cake-cakes. The cupcake trend has brutally passed, and any gourmet cupcakery that managed to remain open will be so grateful for your custom that they will probably cut you a deal on pricing. Also, for purely practical reasons, cupcakes take up way less space and are less threatening to you and your guests’ keto diets than a whole cake.

Be prepared to meet some initial scorn from your friends and family when you announce your bold new “every day is my birthday” self-care regimen, but rest assured. Once they all see the benefits of indulging yourself with an expensive party every day of the week, and the joy it brings you, they’ll all eat hats full of crow and follow suit. Pretty soon, your schedule will be so full of birthdays that you simply won’t have any time for the things that used to make you sad, such as a job, or paying taxes.

Tom Reimann
Tom Reimann

Author - Immortal

Tom Reimann is a comedian, writer, and podcast host. His work has been featured on Cracked.com, MAD magazine, and Earwolf. He can only be destroyed by saying his name backwards in German.

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