There I was, driving my Prius home from a fair trade essential oils bazaar when it happened. For a brief moment, I felt as if I were one with all of creation, the sun sending me its solar energy, my body vibrating at the resonance of all the beings around me, a dove soaring majestically in front of my eyes. Nirvana.
But with a noise that sounded like the blast of a demon’s trumpet, all of it was snatched away, and I was pulled into a black and gooey pit of despair. I was suddenly disoriented and confused. What happened to the positive energy and why am I suddenly being attacked with all this hatred?
I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw a madman, frothing at the mouth, barreling towards me in some oversized pickup truck. Clearly, he was upset at me, probably because of my pro-vegan bumper stickers, and if I continued to sit there absorbing this radiant verdant energy, my life as I knew it would be over. I mustered up all the courage I could, focused on what I had to do, and floored it through the intersection. As soon as I got to safety, I pulled into a parking lot and just broke down in tears, trembling. This was the closest I had ever come to certain death, and it was my only way to process the atrocities I had been through.
But while I was composing myself in my masculine tears, I felt like I had a deeper understanding of everything. As I had poked my head beyond the veil of our mortal coil, I no longer feared what could happen, instead, I knew what would happen. My muscles felt more powerful than ever before, everything was so sharp and focused, I was processing events in ways I can’t even begin to explain. These powers were given to me to protect the innocent, and that’s what I was going to do.
I got out of my Prius, knowing I would no longer need it, and headed down the alley behind the pho shop. I can’t explain why, but I felt like I was pulled in that direction, and somehow knew I would find trouble. It wasn’t long before I saw the first evil being, pilfering valuables from the bin behind the bakery. That bread is for the underprivileged, you monster! Is what I thought as I deftly attacked the haggard thug. But even with my newfound powers, he was too strong. His layers of tattered clothing acted like some sort of armor, and my blows were brushed off with a shrug.
The horrible man turned to attack me, but I quickly defended myself by throwing my pocket change at him and running back towards my Prius. However, it wasn’t enough because he somehow was able to make the terrain uneven and I fell, tumbling into a defeated heap. I looked at the sky for what might have been the last time and wondered how I could have failed a universe that deemed me fit for these powers. It has always been my nature to dream big and push myself beyond my limits, but perhaps today it would be my undoing.
I closed my eyes and awaited the inevitable blow that would release my energy back into nature, and yet it did not come.
Suddenly I was drenched in cold water, my eyes shot open, and everything was dark.
A strange man was standing over me. “Yucas lay pyeh bah di.”
Was this the same foe from earlier? My eyes adjusted and I saw what must have been a vision of an Eastern Master, apparently sent by Gaia herself, drawn to my power. What words did he keep saying? Yucas lay pyeh bah di? It must have been some sort of ancient monk chi healing spell because I was feeling normal again. I bowed at the wise sensei and walked back to my Prius.
Perhaps I wasn’t ready for these powers, but I would be forever changed, knowing now about the secret world just beyond our eyes. Also, I think I got hepatitis from the alley.