…Waldo still missing…
…Lindbergh baby missing…
…Entertainment personality ahead in the polls…
…Quiz: Which 90s Murderer Are You?…
…Woman Credits Bikini Bod to “Thousands of Tiny Stomach Worms…
…AMBER ALERT: Tiffany Amber Thiessen…
…Christmas Scheduled to Happen Again This Year…
…Study finds that 9 out of 10 studies are for nerds…
…”Peacoat” not what name suggests…
…The Academy Awards ‘In Memoriam’ Forgets To Mention Macaulay Culkin For The Third Year In A Row…
…Ophthalmologist: Glasses Are Sexy…
Cancer linked to death!
…San Francisco and Oakland make up; will become one city…
…10 Out Of 10 Car Salesmen Agree, You Need A New Car…
…Forever 21 Turns 34 this year…
…15 found dead in Warner Bros. Water Tower, at the Warner Movie lot…
…BREAKING: Grandmother Not Actually As Proud Of You As She Says…
…Quiz: Does He Know You’re Illiterate? …
…Scientists find that Vaping is dope AF…
…Dog’s Feet Smell Like Vacuum Cleaner Bag…
…All the news that isn’t really news…
…Local Mom Still Talking About Tupperware…
…BitCoins Revealed To Be Pogs All Along…
…I fucking hate this job… Also, Brian is an asshole…
…Tropic of Cancer sues Caribbean Medical Board for copyright infringement…
…2019 NHL Season Put On Ice…
…Hats are cool…
…World Awaits Next Carrot Top Prop…
…AMBER ALERT: Amber Tamblyn…
…For sale: baby shoes, never worn…
Cigarettes linked to cancer!
…Thoughts and prayers found to be cancerous…
…Colonel Sanders Found to Have Never Served in the Military…
…BREAKING NEWS: New Yorkers shocked to learn Staten Island isn’t part of New Jersey…
…Quiz: Do You Have A Savior Complex Or Are You Just Jesus?…
…“Specialist” not a real designation…
…Cancer and Death to marry… cigarettes devastated…
…God found dead in space…
…Medieval Times to get modern update…
…Mannequins found in store window…
…4-8-15-16- … eh, Lost sucks…
…Four turtles and a rat found dead of toxic poisoning…
…Forks and outlets: you decide…
…Camcorder found in uncle bob’s basement, police investigate…
…Waldo found… Nope, not him…
…AMBER ALERT: Spoon; Last seen running away with a Dish…
…Trump revealed to actually be doing the Harlem Shake for the past 18 months…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Africa Is Not A Country…
…Roast Beef: Lunch Meat or Middle Toe? Little Piggies Respond…

How My Near Death Experience Changed Me

There I was, driving my Prius home from a fair trade essential oils bazaar when it happened. For a brief moment, I felt as if I were one with all of creation, the sun sending me its solar energy, my body vibrating at the resonance of all the beings around me, a dove soaring majestically in front of my eyes. Nirvana.

But with a noise that sounded like the blast of a demon’s trumpet, all of it was snatched away, and I was pulled into a black and gooey pit of despair. I was suddenly disoriented and confused. What happened to the positive energy and why am I suddenly being attacked with all this hatred?

I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw a madman, frothing at the mouth, barreling towards me in some oversized pickup truck. Clearly, he was upset at me, probably because of my pro-vegan bumper stickers, and if I continued to sit there absorbing this radiant verdant energy, my life as I knew it would be over. I mustered up all the courage I could, focused on what I had to do, and floored it through the intersection. As soon as I got to safety, I pulled into a parking lot and just broke down in tears, trembling. This was the closest I had ever come to certain death, and it was my only way to process the atrocities I had been through.

But while I was composing myself in my masculine tears, I felt like I had a deeper understanding of everything. As I had poked my head beyond the veil of our mortal coil, I no longer feared what could happen, instead, I knew what would happen. My muscles felt more powerful than ever before, everything was so sharp and focused, I was processing events in ways I can’t even begin to explain. These powers were given to me to protect the innocent, and that’s what I was going to do.

I got out of my Prius, knowing I would no longer need it, and headed down the alley behind the pho shop. I can’t explain why, but I felt like I was pulled in that direction, and somehow knew I would find trouble. It wasn’t long before I saw the first evil being, pilfering valuables from the bin behind the bakery. That bread is for the underprivileged, you monster! Is what I thought as I deftly attacked the haggard thug. But even with my newfound powers, he was too strong. His layers of tattered clothing acted like some sort of armor, and my blows were brushed off with a shrug.

The horrible man turned to attack me, but I quickly defended myself by throwing my pocket change at him and running back towards my Prius. However, it wasn’t enough because he somehow was able to make the terrain uneven and I fell, tumbling into a defeated heap. I looked at the sky for what might have been the last time and wondered how I could have failed a universe that deemed me fit for these powers. It has always been my nature to dream big and push myself beyond my limits, but perhaps today it would be my undoing.

I closed my eyes and awaited the inevitable blow that would release my energy back into nature, and yet it did not come.

Suddenly I was drenched in cold water, my eyes shot open, and everything was dark.

A strange man was standing over me. “Yucas lay pyeh bah di.

Was this the same foe from earlier? My eyes adjusted and I saw what must have been a vision of an Eastern Master, apparently sent by Gaia herself, drawn to my power. What words did he keep saying? Yucas lay pyeh bah di? It must have been some sort of ancient monk chi healing spell because I was feeling normal again. I bowed at the wise sensei and walked back to my Prius.

Perhaps I wasn’t ready for these powers, but I would be forever changed, knowing now about the secret world just beyond our eyes. Also, I think I got hepatitis from the alley.

Danny Gerdude
Danny Gerdude

Author - Single/Ready-to-Mingle

Hello, my name is Dathaniel, but you can call me Dan or Danny. I'm panvegan, well traveled, and looking for love.

No Comments Yet

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.