So you went on the perfect date. You saw a movie that passed the Bechdel Test. There were no awkward moments involving paying. He expressed the appropriate amount of horror at current events (a lot), took you to a secret bar you’ve never been to before, and you got to enter through what you THOUGHT was a vending machine. The combination of activity and time for conversation got the sparks flying, and you hadn’t gotten naked with someone since the first John Wick movie was in theaters. After a night of consensual adult fun and boppin’ squiddles, you have a new problem – how do you get him out? Here are some tips to get that promising fellow out of your home.
It’s not lying, per se, but some imaginative storytelling will help you get your space to yourself. So get those creative juices flowing!
Use this helpful mad lib: My (person) is having (body part) surgery today in (nearby town), and I have to make sure (pronoun) has (brand of cereal) and (type of media). Last time I wasn’t there (pronoun) went crazy without the comforts of home and attacked a (hospital staff position).
You want him to leave, but you don’t want to be rude. Just make sure you do a royal curtsey when you deliver your calligraphy, wax-sealed invitation to go. He’ll be so wowed by your etiquette, he won’t even mind that he’s being ejected without the sock that you will later find (somehow) in a potted plant in the corner of your room.
Tell him through the art of song! When it’s got a beat, and you can dance to it, awkward conversations become bearable – catchy, even. Whip out an instrument and tell him how much you enjoyed his instrument – but they both need to leave so you can get on with your day.
Here are some sample lyrics to use as a jumping-off point: Hate to ask you to leave/ you’re a wonderful guy/ when I look at you I see our unborn children in your eyes.
You have the range!
There’s nothing that entices a man quite like a little mystery. Break it to him gently that your house is haunted, and if you really want to sell it, move some of his stuff around when he’s not looking. Then, tell him that the ghosts that haunt your apartment want him to leave so you can all gossip about him. If you actually have a good rapport with your ghosts, enlist their help. It’s the least they can do since they’re living rent-free!
It’s just the beginning of the relationship, so you’re still muffling your farts with a square of toilet paper in the bathroom. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be direct! Just tell him the truth – you are scheduled to attend Goat Yoga in the park with actual goats, and he will not ruin this for you!
If he still doesn’t leave, we know how he got so charming. Congratulations, you found yourself a hot grifter! Enjoy your new roommate!