…Quiz: Do You Have A Savior Complex Or Are You Just Jesus?…
…God found dead in space…
…Ophthalmologist: Glasses Are Sexy…
Cigarettes linked to cancer!
…Dog’s Feet Smell Like Vacuum Cleaner Bag…
…15 found dead in Warner Bros. Water Tower, at the Warner Movie lot…
…Tropic of Cancer sues Caribbean Medical Board for copyright infringement…
…San Francisco and Oakland make up; will become one city…
…Scientists find that Vaping is dope AF…
…Waldo still missing…
…Mannequins found in store window…
…Forever 21 Turns 34 this year…
…Lindbergh baby missing…
…Entertainment personality ahead in the polls…
…10 Out Of 10 Car Salesmen Agree, You Need A New Car…
…All the news that isn’t really news…
…“Specialist” not a real designation…
…Cancer and Death to marry… cigarettes devastated…
…For sale: baby shoes, never worn…
…Trump revealed to actually be doing the Harlem Shake for the past 18 months…
…Quiz: Does He Know You’re Illiterate? …
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Africa Is Not A Country…
…BREAKING NEWS: New Yorkers shocked to learn Staten Island isn’t part of New Jersey…
…AMBER ALERT: Tiffany Amber Thiessen…
…Local Mom Still Talking About Tupperware…
…Christmas Scheduled to Happen Again This Year…
…I fucking hate this job… Also, Brian is an asshole…
…BREAKING: Grandmother Not Actually As Proud Of You As She Says…
…Colonel Sanders Found to Have Never Served in the Military…
Cancer linked to death!
…Thoughts and prayers found to be cancerous…
…Medieval Times to get modern update…
…2019 NHL Season Put On Ice…
…BitCoins Revealed To Be Pogs All Along…
…Four turtles and a rat found dead of toxic poisoning…
…Quiz: Which 90s Murderer Are You?…
…Study finds that 9 out of 10 studies are for nerds…
…Forks and outlets: you decide…
…Woman Credits Bikini Bod to “Thousands of Tiny Stomach Worms…
…Waldo found… Nope, not him…
…Hats are cool…
…AMBER ALERT: Amber Tamblyn…
…”Peacoat” not what name suggests…
…4-8-15-16- … eh, Lost sucks…
…Roast Beef: Lunch Meat or Middle Toe? Little Piggies Respond…
…AMBER ALERT: Spoon; Last seen running away with a Dish…
…World Awaits Next Carrot Top Prop…
…Camcorder found in uncle bob’s basement, police investigate…
…The Academy Awards ‘In Memoriam’ Forgets To Mention Macaulay Culkin For The Third Year In A Row…

Get Last Night’s Perfect Date Out of Your Home

So you went on the perfect date. You saw a movie that passed the Bechdel Test. There were no awkward moments involving paying. He expressed the appropriate amount of horror at current events (a lot), took you to a secret bar you’ve never been to before, and you got to enter through what you THOUGHT was a vending machine. The combination of activity and time for conversation got the sparks flying, and you hadn’t gotten naked with someone since the first John Wick movie was in theaters. After a night of consensual adult fun and boppin’ squiddles, you have a new problem – how do you get him out? Here are some tips to get that promising fellow out of your home.

Be creative!

It’s not lying, per se, but some imaginative storytelling will help you get your space to yourself. So get those creative juices flowing!

Use this helpful mad lib: My (person) is having (body part) surgery today in (nearby town), and I have to make sure (pronoun) has (brand of cereal) and (type of media). Last time I wasn’t there (pronoun) went crazy without the comforts of home and attacked a (hospital staff position).

Be polite!

You want him to leave, but you don’t want to be rude. Just make sure you do a royal curtsey when you deliver your calligraphy, wax-sealed invitation to go. He’ll be so wowed by your etiquette, he won’t even mind that he’s being ejected without the sock that you will later find (somehow) in a potted plant in the corner of your room.

Be entertaining!

Tell him through the art of song! When it’s got a beat, and you can dance to it, awkward conversations become bearable – catchy, even. Whip out an instrument and tell him how much you enjoyed his instrument – but they both need to leave so you can get on with your day.

Here are some sample lyrics to use as a jumping-off point: Hate to ask you to leave/ you’re a wonderful guy/ when I look at you I see our unborn children in your eyes.

You have the range!

Be mysterious!

There’s nothing that entices a man quite like a little mystery. Break it to him gently that your house is haunted, and if you really want to sell it, move some of his stuff around when he’s not looking. Then, tell him that the ghosts that haunt your apartment want him to leave so you can all gossip about him. If you actually have a good rapport with your ghosts, enlist their help. It’s the least they can do since they’re living rent-free!  

Be honest!

It’s just the beginning of the relationship, so you’re still muffling your farts with a square of toilet paper in the bathroom. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be direct! Just tell him the truth – you are scheduled to attend Goat Yoga in the park with actual goats, and he will not ruin this for you!

If he still doesn’t leave, we know how he got so charming. Congratulations, you found yourself a hot grifter! Enjoy your new roommate!

What’s the weirdest method you’ve resorted to when getting someone out of your space the morning after? Let us know on Twitter or on Facebook!

Annelise Dekker-Hernandez
Annelise Dekker-Hernandez

Author - Windy City Native

Annelise Dekker-Hernandez is a comedian, writer, and actress, and definitely the only person in Los Angeles with that job description. You can witness her patented athleisure witch/unhinged art teacher aesthetic at standup comedy venues around LA. As a native Chicagoan, her passions include encased meats and accepting that she is not for everyone.

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