…BREAKING NEWS: New Yorkers shocked to learn Staten Island isn’t part of New Jersey…
…Forever 21 Turns 34 this year…
Cigarettes linked to cancer!
…Christmas Scheduled to Happen Again This Year…
…Study finds that 9 out of 10 studies are for nerds…
…Entertainment personality ahead in the polls…
…Quiz: Which 90s Murderer Are You?…
…Roast Beef: Lunch Meat or Middle Toe? Little Piggies Respond…
…“Specialist” not a real designation…
…Quiz: Does He Know You’re Illiterate? …
…Four turtles and a rat found dead of toxic poisoning…
…I fucking hate this job… Also, Brian is an asshole…
…AMBER ALERT: Spoon; Last seen running away with a Dish…
…Colonel Sanders Found to Have Never Served in the Military…
…Quiz: Do You Have A Savior Complex Or Are You Just Jesus?…
…Waldo found… Nope, not him…
…All the news that isn’t really news…
…The Academy Awards ‘In Memoriam’ Forgets To Mention Macaulay Culkin For The Third Year In A Row…
…Tropic of Cancer sues Caribbean Medical Board for copyright infringement…
…BREAKING: Grandmother Not Actually As Proud Of You As She Says…
…Woman Credits Bikini Bod to “Thousands of Tiny Stomach Worms…
…Trump revealed to actually be doing the Harlem Shake for the past 18 months…
…Local Mom Still Talking About Tupperware…
…BitCoins Revealed To Be Pogs All Along…
…Thoughts and prayers found to be cancerous…
…AMBER ALERT: Tiffany Amber Thiessen…
…Medieval Times to get modern update…
…Cancer and Death to marry… cigarettes devastated…
…Waldo still missing…
…4-8-15-16- … eh, Lost sucks…
…San Francisco and Oakland make up; will become one city…
…World Awaits Next Carrot Top Prop…
…Camcorder found in uncle bob’s basement, police investigate…
…Lindbergh baby missing…
…Scientists find that Vaping is dope AF…
…Mannequins found in store window…
…AMBER ALERT: Amber Tamblyn…
…2019 NHL Season Put On Ice…
Cancer linked to death!
…15 found dead in Warner Bros. Water Tower, at the Warner Movie lot…
…For sale: baby shoes, never worn…
…Dog’s Feet Smell Like Vacuum Cleaner Bag…
…10 Out Of 10 Car Salesmen Agree, You Need A New Car…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Africa Is Not A Country…
…”Peacoat” not what name suggests…
…Ophthalmologist: Glasses Are Sexy…
…God found dead in space…
…Forks and outlets: you decide…
…Hats are cool…

Spiritual Wellness: Feeling Lost?

Feeling Lost?

Winter, am I right? Shorter days, full of cold and gray and slush and blah. It’s enough to make even the most spiritually attuned among us feel a little disconnected. Personally, my day job had me coming in early and leaving late enough that I swear I hadn’t seen the sun in a week! Aside from the more obvious Vitamin D deficiencies and bouts of Seasonal Affective Disorder that can crop up, my spiritual energies have taken a major hit. As the seasons change, so do the metaphysical frequencies that surround us, and sometimes it can be an undeniable change for the worse. Even after rearranging all of my home’s wellness crystals, and having my acupuncturist revitalize my chakra points, I was lethargic at best.

In the throes of a harsh winter, after a long year full of politics, none of the ways I traditionally recharge my spiritual batteries were working. I was having a full-on crisis of faith! So I decided to turn to the one place that’s never failed to connect me with like-minded souls and spiritual leaders looking to make meaningful connections: Craigslist. My belief that the universe would provide was well-placed; almost immediately, I found an ad that piqued my interest:

 

Spiritual Wellness FrustrationChurch of Shezmu

I’d never heard of the Church of Shezmu, but the ad felt like it was written just for me. I had to check it out! We exchanged a few emails, as part of a brief screening process that, I’ll admit, felt a little strange at first. I mean, they never ask you if you’re “comfortable with blood” before a Kundalini Yoga session. But now that I’ve spent some time in the church, it actually makes a lot of sense. It’s a small organization, and they don’t have the resources to look after someone whose energies are so out of sync with the rites of Shezmu that they faint during the Transanguination.

I’ve currently been attending services for nearly three weeks at a stretch, and the church is incredibly accommodating. After encouraging me to sleep there the first night, I awoke to find that a High Priest had gathered a bag of necessities from my home so that I could stay worry-free! I quickly found that this level of convenience and courtesy is par for the course, here. I never have to worry about what I’m going to wear, or what I’m going to eat. Talk about the easy life!

But I haven’t even gotten to the best part…

Every week, at Transanguination, all of the negative energy is literally drawn out of your body. But while some spiritual practices are content just to remove or cover up that negativity, Shezmu finds a wonderful new use for it! They give free classes throughout the week on how to use your old, corrupted blood for perfumes and incense with calming natural fragrances. Goodbye, bad feelings, hello, new sense of purpose!

Spiritual Wellness Denver

Shezmu is one of the oldest and most powerful deities. In the ancient texts, he is called The Lord Of Blood and the Slaughterer of Gods. You know how sometimes you pray for something, like a new car, or sick abs, but you don’t get them? It’s not because your god is testing you, dummy, it’s because Shezmu killed your god millenia ago. And now he’s back to take your impure blood, convert it to a line of artisanal fragrances, and make your life worth living.

It may be too early to say if The Church of Shezmu can truly offer metaphysical health and spiritual stability in the long-term, or if it’s just another quick-fix trend. What I can say is that since joining, I’ve lost six pounds, turned my negative energies into a line of perfumes, and forgotten why I was feeling so down in the first place. In fact, I don’t remember much at all before joining the church, so they must be doing something right!

Elijah Taylor
Elijah Taylor

Author - Orphan - Skeleton

Elijah Taylor is a scrappy orphan who uses humor as a coping mechanism. He is available for publications or events as a freelance writer, fighter, or Muppet.

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