…Forever 21 Turns 34 this year…
…Mannequins found in store window…
…10 Out Of 10 Car Salesmen Agree, You Need A New Car…
…For sale: baby shoes, never worn…
…Study finds that 9 out of 10 studies are for nerds…
…Colonel Sanders Found to Have Never Served in the Military…
…AMBER ALERT: Amber Tamblyn…
…God found dead in space…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Africa Is Not A Country…
…Cancer and Death to marry… cigarettes devastated…
…BREAKING NEWS: New Yorkers shocked to learn Staten Island isn’t part of New Jersey…
…The Academy Awards ‘In Memoriam’ Forgets To Mention Macaulay Culkin For The Third Year In A Row…
…2019 NHL Season Put On Ice…
…BREAKING: Grandmother Not Actually As Proud Of You As She Says…
…”Peacoat” not what name suggests…
…Ophthalmologist: Glasses Are Sexy…
…Thoughts and prayers found to be cancerous…
…Dog’s Feet Smell Like Vacuum Cleaner Bag…
…Lindbergh baby missing…
…San Francisco and Oakland make up; will become one city…
…Medieval Times to get modern update…
…Trump revealed to actually be doing the Harlem Shake for the past 18 months…
…“Specialist” not a real designation…
…Forks and outlets: you decide…
Cigarettes linked to cancer!
…BitCoins Revealed To Be Pogs All Along…
…I fucking hate this job… Also, Brian is an asshole…
…World Awaits Next Carrot Top Prop…
…Tropic of Cancer sues Caribbean Medical Board for copyright infringement…
…Entertainment personality ahead in the polls…
…Quiz: Does He Know You’re Illiterate? …
…Waldo found… Nope, not him…
…Quiz: Do You Have A Savior Complex Or Are You Just Jesus?…
…15 found dead in Warner Bros. Water Tower, at the Warner Movie lot…
…Hats are cool…
Cancer linked to death!
…Christmas Scheduled to Happen Again This Year…
…Roast Beef: Lunch Meat or Middle Toe? Little Piggies Respond…
…Quiz: Which 90s Murderer Are You?…
…Camcorder found in uncle bob’s basement, police investigate…
…Scientists find that Vaping is dope AF…
…Local Mom Still Talking About Tupperware…
…AMBER ALERT: Tiffany Amber Thiessen…
…Waldo still missing…
…AMBER ALERT: Spoon; Last seen running away with a Dish…
…Four turtles and a rat found dead of toxic poisoning…
…4-8-15-16- … eh, Lost sucks…
…Woman Credits Bikini Bod to “Thousands of Tiny Stomach Worms…
…All the news that isn’t really news…

Celebrity Wellness Trends For The Dirt Poor

Celebrities: “they’re just like us”…. except for the buckets of moola they have to spend on their health and good looks. But don’t worry; just because you don’t drive a Maserati or spread caviar on your morning bagel doesn’t mean you can’t look fly AF. We’ve got three hot wellness trends that we’re gonna show you how to replicate on the cheap.

Cryotherapy

Celebrity Wellness Trends - Cryo

Average cost: $90 for a 3 – 5 minute session

Celebs and athletes are paying a primo dollar to trick their bodies into a state of hypothermia. Cryotherapy involves shivering naked in a nitrogen-filled chamber where the temperature dips to about NEGATIVE 150 degrees Celsius. The benefits of entering a polar vortex? Increased endorphin release (ya feel LIT), a boost to the immune system, reduced inflammation, and it claims to speed up weight loss.

Do It The Bunny Ears Way…

Pack some gloves and socks and head on down to the butcher. Upon arrival, ask to use the restroom. Joke’s on them, you’re not there to pee and buy a rump roast, you’re there to feel alive! Head over to the meat locker, strip down to your underwear, put on those gloves and socks, and hop in. Let the adrenaline rush, baby. Make way, we’ve got some lean meat here.

Colonics

Celebrity Wellness Trends - Colonic

Average cost: $95 per session

You’ve got to cough up some big bucks if you want to have your colon cleansed. During a colonic, a massage therapist will rub down your stomach, while your butt is being plugged with a hose. As water is infused up your rear from one tube, another is filtering out feces. Glamorous, as only a celebrity could afford! Colonics claim to reduce bloating, aid in constipation, improve digestion AND your mood. Shit free is the way to be!

Do It The Bunny Ears Way…

Here at Bunny Ears, we don’t pay for anal (usually). If you want to have a real good diarrhea sesh, we have a way to clean your colon for just a few bucks. Head to the store and purchase the colonic cocktail: cottage cheese, cabbage and coffee! Let cottage cheese sit in the sun for about 5 hours. Once ready, eat the cheese on cabbage along with no less than 3 cups of coffee. Sit on the toilet and perform your own self-massage. Let the healing flow begin.

Sheep Placenta Facial

Celebrity Wellness Cheap - Sheep
By Joachim Müllerchen – Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=2590903

Average cost: $500

Remember when you were in the womb and your skin was hydrated as hell? (That would be insane if you did. You’d probably be subjected to some crazy scientific testing, so we suggest keeping this info to yourself.) Fancy spas in places like London and Los Angeles offer facials in which they put stem cells from placenta on your face offering amazing anti-aging benefits.

Do It The Bunny Ears Way…

This requires you to play the long game but trust us, when the bartender says “ID please” you’ll be glad you did. Find the nearest petting zoo — entry will cost you, at the most, 20 dollars. Time to feed the sheep! Sneak some molly into that pile of feed in your hand. Then, offer your chosen sheep vodka from the sippie bottle you brought with you. Set the mood by blasting from your iPhone, Bonetown classic, R. Kelly’s Bump ‘N Grind, and wait for those sheep to get physical. Befriend the nearest petting-zoo employee and tell them about your deep love of sheep. If there’s ever a sheep birth, can you please, please let me know? The nerd will be happy to help another sheep enthusiast. In about 5 months, be present for the miracle of life. Scoop up the placenta and rub that magical substance all over your face. Be warned: you’ll be banned from the petting zoo for life, but it’s worth it for glowing skin and the forever face of a millennial.

Dyana Goldman
Dyana Goldman

Author - "Lefty"

Dyana Goldman was born left-handed but has still been able to live a relatively normal life. She lives in Los Angeles where she has worked on several sitcoms including LA to Vegas, Happy Endings, and Entourage. When she's not writing she's hiking Runyon sneaking photos of other's dogs, making a mess of her kitchen, or living outside her means.

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