Have you ever noticed how much time is wasted writing a post or composing the perfect text message? Half the time you’re hitting the damn delete button, rewriting sentences that your phone tries to ruin by changing “fucking” to “ducking” and “seriously” to “seruslkljflskl” or whatever other bullshit tactics it has devised to destroy your patience.
Time for some statistics: The average person spends 162 minutes per day on their mobile device. 86% of that time is with apps, and 28% of that time is on social media. We did the math. That’s about 39 minutes a day. We think this is a bit of an underestimation, so let’s at least round up to 40. That means that for at least half of that time you are wasting precious seconds DUCKING REVISING WHAT YOU WROTE BECAUSE IT DUCKING KEEPS CHANGING YOUR DUCKING WORDS AND ACCIDENTALLY ERASING WHAT YOU WROTE AND JUST GENERALLY BEING A DUMB HOBAG OF A PHONE!
Anyway, here are some suggestions on what you could be doing with those precious lost 20 minutes a day.
READ A BOOK
Remember books? They remember you too. They love the way you smelled when you were new, with your freshly pressed and glossy pages, full of possibility and anticipation. And now that you’re old, they like that smell too. You smell like history, like a life well lived, like an old scotch in a worn leather chair by a crackling fire on a rainy night in a musty old library filled with ancient secrets and far-away adventure. Actually, you just smell musty. You should shower.
TAKE A SHOWER
Nothing feels more refreshing than washing away the texts and tweets of the day like a good old fashioned shower. Well, not an old-fashioned one I guess. We wouldn’t want you bathing once a month in the old copper bin by the chicken coop with your mom pouring lukewarm water over your head with a giant soup ladle now, would we?
CLEAN YOUR SHOWER
We all know you pee in there.
PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR ANIMALS
Get a little exercise, and give your pooch an extra spin around the block. You’ll both benefit. Have a cat or other furry animal friend? Pet them! As the name implies! If it’s something underwater or poisonous, just… look at it? Look at your fish/tarantula for ten straight minutes. Who knows what you may learn? Don’t have a pet at all? Look into adopting one or head off into the woods near your house in search of your new best friend!
EAT A TACO
Tacos are delicious! Use your ten extra minutes at lunchtime! You could probably eat 2 or 3! Get the al pastor; it’s our favorite.
CALL YOUR MOM
She misses you. It’s not that hard; Just pick up the phone and dial. We can wait.
Did you do it? Don’t lie. You’ve always been a terrible liar.
LEARN TO LIE
Seriously. It’s almost insulting how bad you are at telling a fib.
SING A SONG
Sing. Sing a song. Sing out loud. Sing out strong. When was the last time you sang a song all the way through? Your drunken rendition of “I Want To Know What Love Is” at karaoke doesn’t count because you sounded terrible and you forgot most of the words. (How? They are right there on the screen to prevent precisely this!) Heck, you’ve got 20 minutes, sing a long one— Hotel California/Stairway to Heaven/November Rain. Air guitar the solo. Live your life.
WRITE A HAIKU
The End Of The Year
Your Published Book of Haikus
You Found Your Calling
MAKE YOUR OWN LIST OF ALL THE THINGS YOU COULD BE DOING WITH YOUR EXTRA 20 MINUTES
Do one each day, and check it off your list. It’s satisfying to accomplish something, even if the accomplishment is just eating a taco.
Now that we know what we want to do with our extra 10 minutes a day, it’s time for the hard part. It’s time to let all your weird, incoherent and misspelled texts and posts ride. No backsies! Who cares if your friends can’t find you at the mall, people think you’re voting for Trump, or your boyfriend thinks you’re breaking up with him? They can pick up the phone and call you if they need so much damn clarification. You’re enjoying your ducking taco.