…“Specialist” not a real designation…
…2019 NHL Season Put On Ice…
…AMBER ALERT: Tiffany Amber Thiessen…
Cigarettes linked to cancer!
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Africa Is Not A Country…
…Christmas Scheduled to Happen Again This Year…
…Cancer and Death to marry… cigarettes devastated…
…God found dead in space…
…4-8-15-16- … eh, Lost sucks…
…15 found dead in Warner Bros. Water Tower, at the Warner Movie lot…
…Scientists find that Vaping is dope AF…
…BREAKING NEWS: New Yorkers shocked to learn Staten Island isn’t part of New Jersey…
…I fucking hate this job… Also, Brian is an asshole…
…Medieval Times to get modern update…
Cancer linked to death!
…AMBER ALERT: Spoon; Last seen running away with a Dish…
…San Francisco and Oakland make up; will become one city…
…Entertainment personality ahead in the polls…
…Forks and outlets: you decide…
…Thoughts and prayers found to be cancerous…
…Colonel Sanders Found to Have Never Served in the Military…
…Quiz: Do You Have A Savior Complex Or Are You Just Jesus?…
…Tropic of Cancer sues Caribbean Medical Board for copyright infringement…
…For sale: baby shoes, never worn…
…All the news that isn’t really news…
…Camcorder found in uncle bob’s basement, police investigate…
…BREAKING: Grandmother Not Actually As Proud Of You As She Says…
…Mannequins found in store window…
…Hats are cool…
…10 Out Of 10 Car Salesmen Agree, You Need A New Car…
…The Academy Awards ‘In Memoriam’ Forgets To Mention Macaulay Culkin For The Third Year In A Row…
…BitCoins Revealed To Be Pogs All Along…
…Lindbergh baby missing…
…Quiz: Does He Know You’re Illiterate? …
…Roast Beef: Lunch Meat or Middle Toe? Little Piggies Respond…
…Trump revealed to actually be doing the Harlem Shake for the past 18 months…
…Forever 21 Turns 34 this year…
…Ophthalmologist: Glasses Are Sexy…
…Study finds that 9 out of 10 studies are for nerds…
…Waldo found… Nope, not him…
…Dog’s Feet Smell Like Vacuum Cleaner Bag…
…Quiz: Which 90s Murderer Are You?…
…World Awaits Next Carrot Top Prop…
…Woman Credits Bikini Bod to “Thousands of Tiny Stomach Worms…
…Waldo still missing…
…Local Mom Still Talking About Tupperware…
…AMBER ALERT: Amber Tamblyn…
…”Peacoat” not what name suggests…
…Four turtles and a rat found dead of toxic poisoning…

Best Reasons To Stop Editing Your Text Messages

Have you ever noticed how much time is wasted writing a post or composing the perfect text message?  Half the time you’re hitting the damn delete button, rewriting sentences that your phone tries to ruin by changing “fucking” to “ducking” and “seriously” to “seruslkljflskl” or whatever other bullshit tactics it has devised to destroy your patience.

Time for some statistics: The average person spends 162 minutes per day on their mobile device.  86% of that time is with apps, and 28% of that time is on social media.  We did the math.  That’s about 39 minutes a day.  We think this is a bit of an underestimation, so let’s at least round up to 40.  That means that for at least half of that time you are wasting precious seconds DUCKING REVISING WHAT YOU WROTE BECAUSE IT DUCKING KEEPS CHANGING YOUR DUCKING WORDS AND ACCIDENTALLY ERASING WHAT YOU WROTE AND JUST GENERALLY BEING A DUMB HOBAG OF A PHONE!  

Anyway, here are some suggestions on what you could be doing with those precious lost 20 minutes a day.

READ A BOOK  

Remember books?  They remember you too.  They love the way you smelled when you were new, with your freshly pressed and glossy pages, full of possibility and anticipation.  And now that you’re old, they like that smell too.  You smell like history, like a life well lived, like an old scotch in a worn leather chair by a crackling fire on a rainy night in a musty old library filled with ancient secrets and far-away adventure.  Actually, you just smell musty.  You should shower.

TAKE A SHOWER

Nothing feels more refreshing than washing away the texts and tweets of the day like a good old fashioned shower.  Well, not an old-fashioned one I guess.  We wouldn’t want you bathing once a month in the old copper bin by the chicken coop with your mom pouring lukewarm water over your head with a giant soup ladle now, would we?

CLEAN YOUR SHOWER

We all know you pee in there.

PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR ANIMALS

Edit Text messages - Sad Pupper

Get a little exercise, and give your pooch an extra spin around the block.  You’ll both benefit.  Have a cat or other furry animal friend?  Pet them!  As the name implies!  If it’s something underwater or poisonous, just… look at it?  Look at your fish/tarantula for ten straight minutes.  Who knows what you may learn?  Don’t have a pet at all?  Look into adopting one or head off into the woods near your house in search of your new best friend!

EAT A TACO

Tacos are delicious!  Use your ten extra minutes at lunchtime!  You could probably eat 2 or 3!  Get the al pastor; it’s our favorite.

CALL YOUR MOM

She misses you. It’s not that hard; Just pick up the phone and dial.  We can wait.

Did you do it?  Don’t lie. You’ve always been a terrible liar.

LEARN TO LIE

Seriously. It’s almost insulting how bad you are at telling a fib.

SING A SONG

Sing. Sing a song.  Sing out loud.  Sing out strong.  When was the last time you sang a song all the way through?  Your drunken rendition of “I Want To Know What Love Is” at karaoke doesn’t count because you sounded terrible and you forgot most of the words.  (How? They are right there on the screen to prevent precisely this!)  Heck, you’ve got 20 minutes, sing a long one— Hotel California/Stairway to Heaven/November Rain.  Air guitar the solo.  Live your life.

WRITE A HAIKU

The End Of The Year

Your Published Book of Haikus

You Found Your Calling

MAKE YOUR OWN LIST OF ALL THE THINGS YOU COULD BE DOING WITH YOUR EXTRA 20 MINUTES

Do one each day, and check it off your list.  It’s satisfying to accomplish something, even if the accomplishment is just eating a taco.

Now that we know what we want to do with our extra 10 minutes a day, it’s time for the hard part.  It’s time to let all your weird, incoherent and misspelled texts and posts ride.  No backsies!  Who cares if your friends can’t find you at the mall, people think you’re voting for Trump, or your boyfriend thinks you’re breaking up with him?  They can pick up the phone and call you if they need so much damn clarification.  You’re enjoying your ducking taco.

Kelly Wallace-Barnhill
Kelly Wallace-Barnhill

Author - Cat Lady

Kelly Wallace-Barnhill a comedy writer, performer, yoga teacher, and cat enthusiast. You've seen her in "Timber: The Series", your Tinder feed, and most recently in the back row of a hot yoga class sweating and crying into her mat. She likes to laugh and hopes she makes you do that too because it's all she has left.

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