Hands down the worst part of being the coveted idol of many is that you can’t go out in public without being mobbed by a sea of grasping hands, all clutching for a selfie or an autograph or a chunk of your scalp. And even if you manage to avoid the horde of starstruck zombies, you still have to contend with the paparazzi, the endless stream of tabloid photographers who orbit your every move like a cohort of perpetually circling vultures, just waiting for you to get caught in some embarrassing moment, like accidentally flashing your underwear, or buying cocaine at a fondue restaurant. It’s enough to make anyone never want to leave the high stone walls of their compound ever again.
Well, allow us to crush your fears of perpetual scrutiny like costume jewelry beneath the heel of an alligator cap toe boot, because we’ve put together a helpful guide to navigating the endless maze of photographers that seek to document your every move like a fabulously-dressed shadow, leaving them scratching their heads while you carry out your business undetected. Follow these easy steps, and you’ll be reclaiming your privacy in no time!
Invest In A Quality Disguise
Being a fancy celebrity, you should already be somewhat acquainted with the world of disguises. (Please note – if you are not a fancy celebrity, kindly navigate away from this page immediately.) But simple wigs, oversized sunglasses, and fake mustaches won’t cut the Dijon. You need to invest in a high-quality disguise if you ever expect to slip past the paparazzi undetected and buy a mochaccino in peace. The best way to throw together a quick disguise is to heat the edge of a carving knife (the big shiny one your cook uses to make turkey into sandwiches) or a razor blade (the rectangular one your use to “portion out your medication,” NOT the plastic contraption you use to shave) and use it to reshape your face into that of a non-famous person. Shave a bit off your nose, wide your eye sockets – be as artistic as you like! Your plastic surgeon can always repair the damage later, and honestly, isn’t a chance to anonymously shop at the Guitar Center on the corner of Pico and Westwood worth a few minutes of discomfort?
Wear The Flesh Of A Stranger
If the thought of subjecting yourself to amateur surgery doesn’t appeal to you, the next best option is to behead a person who bears no resemblance to you and carefully de-skull their head and face to make a high-quality mask. Sure, you may have friends in the industry who specialize in special effects make-up and costumes, but the paparazzi can spot a rubber face from a mile away. No, the only way to fool these predators is to shove your noggin into a bonafide skin suit. These hollow flesh bulbs will need to be constantly treated if you expect to use them continuously, and you will have to keep a refrigerated wardrobe stocked with many different options, both to prevent the paparazzi from catching on, and to maintain a rotatable stock so that one of them doesn’t rot off your head in the middle of the Staples Center. Please note that when selecting candidates to add to your human skin mask collection, try to stick to complete strangers or fringe acquaintances, which will help prevent those wolfish paparazzi from discovering your identity, and will also help you elude the police.
With the help of these tips, you should be well on your way to a life free from public embarrassments, save for those you inflict upon yourself while shithouse drunk. For help on overcoming those situations, please refer to our post “How To Prevent Your Human Skin Mask From Falling Into The Toilet While Vomiting Profusely.”