…15 found dead in Warner Bros. Water Tower, at the Warner Movie lot…
…Cancer and Death to marry… cigarettes devastated…
…Forks and outlets: you decide…
…2019 NHL Season Put On Ice…
…San Francisco and Oakland make up; will become one city…
…Thoughts and prayers found to be cancerous…
…All the news that isn’t really news…
…Local Mom Still Talking About Tupperware…
…Entertainment personality ahead in the polls…
…4-8-15-16- … eh, Lost sucks…
…“Specialist” not a real designation…
…Scientists find that Vaping is dope AF…
…AMBER ALERT: Amber Tamblyn…
…For sale: baby shoes, never worn…
…Waldo still missing…
…Quiz: Does He Know You’re Illiterate? …
Cigarettes linked to cancer!
…Quiz: Do You Have A Savior Complex Or Are You Just Jesus?…
…Study finds that 9 out of 10 studies are for nerds…
…Tropic of Cancer sues Caribbean Medical Board for copyright infringement…
…BitCoins Revealed To Be Pogs All Along…
…AMBER ALERT: Spoon; Last seen running away with a Dish…
…Roast Beef: Lunch Meat or Middle Toe? Little Piggies Respond…
…God found dead in space…
…Forever 21 Turns 34 this year…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Africa Is Not A Country…
Cancer linked to death!
…Quiz: Which 90s Murderer Are You?…
…Hats are cool…
…I fucking hate this job… Also, Brian is an asshole…
…BREAKING NEWS: New Yorkers shocked to learn Staten Island isn’t part of New Jersey…
…Colonel Sanders Found to Have Never Served in the Military…
…Four turtles and a rat found dead of toxic poisoning…
…Mannequins found in store window…
…Dog’s Feet Smell Like Vacuum Cleaner Bag…
…Trump revealed to actually be doing the Harlem Shake for the past 18 months…
…World Awaits Next Carrot Top Prop…
…BREAKING: Grandmother Not Actually As Proud Of You As She Says…
…Ophthalmologist: Glasses Are Sexy…
…Woman Credits Bikini Bod to “Thousands of Tiny Stomach Worms…
…AMBER ALERT: Tiffany Amber Thiessen…
…Waldo found… Nope, not him…
…10 Out Of 10 Car Salesmen Agree, You Need A New Car…
…Camcorder found in uncle bob’s basement, police investigate…
…”Peacoat” not what name suggests…
…Medieval Times to get modern update…
…Christmas Scheduled to Happen Again This Year…
…Lindbergh baby missing…
…The Academy Awards ‘In Memoriam’ Forgets To Mention Macaulay Culkin For The Third Year In A Row…

4 Steamy Sex Tips for Spicing Up the Bedroom

Are you and your partner missing that spark? Has the once fiery passion that burned between you like a throbbing Adonis somehow dulled into the cool flaccidity of Meatloaf’s neck flap? Even if you were forced to bring great shame to your house by answering “yes” to the previous questions, don’t despair! There is hope for rescuing your flagging sex life if you’re willing to be courageous and open-minded and accept our teachings, which have been vetted by several extraordinarily wealthy and adulated celebrities, only one of whom has since died in a bizarre accident of sexual adventurism.

Engage in Role Play

   Role-playing in the bedroom is a great way to electrify even the most deflated penis and arid vagina. Assign roles to yourself and your partner and act out the wildest fantasy you can imagine! For example, you might be a courageous bard, and your partner, a barb-witted rogue, raiding a wizard’s keep for a hoard of goblin treasure. Or perhaps you’re the Whirpool repair technician.       

Scream at Your Penis

SexTips_2_ scream

   Investing a solid half hour into hurling damaging, acidic insults at your frightened penis will make it hungrily seek out any form of shelter in a desperate attempt to hide from the world and rebuild its shattered ego. This process could take hours, which means hours of uninterrupted excitement for your partner! (Do not be alarmed if Linkin Park’s “In The End” begins to emanate softly from within your partner’s body – this is a common side effect and can be treated with the application of drugstore makeup and vampire anime.)

Eye Tattoos

   Has the sight of your partner’s naked body faded from the exciting promise of two souls about to collide in an explosion of ecstasy, like eager teenage lovers rolling in a field of sunlit roses, to the disenchanting commitment of grim duty, like a hungry shark painfully swallowing an octopus in a touch tank at SeaWorld? Eye tattoos are an elegant solution! Simply carve the image of a more attractive person directly onto your cornea, and you’ll always be in the mood! The procedure can be done via high-intensity lasers, or, for the couple on a budget, a straightened paper clip, and a ballpoint pen.

Have Sex With Other People

SexTips_2_ Other people

    There’s one tried-and-true method that never fails to cure the exsanguinated passion of two people who can no longer stand to be naked together, and who regard intimacy as some sort of job interview for a position they’re not even interested in but to which they are paying lip service in order to maintain the avenues of emergency sex should an unexpected erection happen to occur. And that method is simply this: start having sex with different people. Just imagine it – what if your lover, whose nude slopes and valleys you’ve long since memorized like a 17th-century cartographer, were suddenly an entirely different, more attractive configuration of naked body parts? Don’t be worried about hurting your partner’s feelings. Odds are they arrived at this conclusion long ago, and are merely waiting for you to suggest it.

Normally, you would have to pay thousands of dollars to have these tips recited to you by a Hollywood guru, but we are sharing them here at no cost to you because your happiness and the ad revenue you generate are very important to us. You should now be able to step back into the bedroom with confidence, possessing all the tools you need to reinvigorate your love life. Once you implement our advice, we guarantee that you will never have to worry about satisfying your partner’s sexual needs ever again.

Tom Reimann
Tom Reimann

Author - Immortal

Tom Reimann is a comedian, writer, and podcast host. His work has been featured on Cracked.com, MAD magazine, and Earwolf. He can only be destroyed by saying his name backwards in German.

No Comments Yet

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.