I was shocked when my allergist told me I had a reaction to every single fruit and vegetable on the test except for onions and potatoes. I’d spent hours on that table while he prodded me with twigs and leaves, it was easily the worst food play of my life. I had spent a few months on a vegetarian diet, each endive, quinoa, and heirloom tomato salad followed by a witch hazel facial scrub to bring down the redness and swelling. Now my doctor was insisting this wasn’t the right diet for my body. But there must be a healthy diet out there for everyone, even someone whose cheeks blow up like a squirrel hoarding nuts and berries, despite putting only one nut and berry in my mouth!
I couldn’t live off just potatoes and onions, but I’m morally opposed to the cattle industry in America. Chickens are too loud, and my heart aches when I think about little piglets being slaughtered. Looking at myself in the mirror that evening, my face engorged like a pufferfish, that’s when it hit me: fish!
My local grocery stocks a beautiful selection of fresh fish, and fish have no feelings at all. Look at their far apart black eyes and no hands! Here are my suggestions for switching to a pescatarian diet that will rebirth you into a stronger, better version of yourself!
Meal 1: GRILLED COD WITH POTATO AND ONION HASH
This was a simple and satisfying recipe, to begin with, my first week as a pescatarian! Cod is a real crowd pleaser, a light flaky fish that can be grilled, fried, or baked and is excellent in tacos. My boyfriend Adam was excited about the change in our day to day menu at first, but after week one I am certain he started sneaking home fast food. He hid it well, but I could smell the grease on his collar. I even found a half-eaten burger in his laundry. That’s a no-no!
Meal 2: TUNA STEAK!
Wow, everyone loves tuna, except my idiot boyfriend, Adam! You can find it everywhere, and it’s so easy to cook. Just throw it on the grill, in a pan, or in the oven! If you don’t have time to cook, stock up on cans of tuna fish. Some people hate the smell and won’t kiss you anymore. When you lean in to kiss them and they pull away gagging, remind them that they are becoming just like their lying, judgemental father. Sneaking behind my back with the Burger King is cheating too. Weeks two through four, this was my day to day diet. It really helped me power through the chills, stomach cramps, and headaches. After a few weeks of an exclusive tuna diet, I wasn’t hungry for anything else, and my crippling exhaustion turned into a sense of lightness and joy.
Meal 3: BASS
I bought a whole bass and ate it. My palms have turned pink, which I imagine is a sign from God. I can’t run this one by Adam, as he moved out after confronting me about the handfuls of hair I was leaving in the shower, and I responded by shrieking as loud and high-pitched as I could until he left the room! On week seven, I stopped sleeping. That was when I knew it was working.
Meal 4: CAN OF SARDINES
Open the can and eat with a plastic fork. I found mine on the ground. Tiny fish bodies give you all the energy you need to get through the next bout of spasms, my hands don’t listen to me anymore and sometimes my knees bend the wrong way. When Adam sees me next, he will regret leaving. I am silver and strong now, just like a fish.
These are my tips! I’ve been back to my allergist, just to check on the burning and itching and all the skin peeling off my hands and feet, but he says I’m not allergic to fish at all! He does strongly suggest I have bloodwork done, but I was able to escape out a window when he sent the men from poison control to get me.